Bathroom Protocol
by xBlueCrossFirex
Summary: Eren lacks it.


**Take 1: Eren and Mikasa**

"I don't need you to bathe with me," Eren muttered as he slid the shower's glass door back into the wall, allowing it to slam shut.

"I'm making sure you get all the spots," came the apathetic reply.

"Mikasa, really! Get out."

"No," she retorted with a harpy's bark.

Eren sat down on the plastic stool in front of the showerhead and turned the faucet's lever to the coldest water possible. He glanced back at Mikasa with a frown as the icy droplets poured down in a harsh deluge atop his head.

"Eren!" Mikasa exclaimed. The pressure was too hard… what would happen to his skin? He already had a lot of bruises—he didn't need to agitate them. And the temperature—did he want to freeze to death? She snatched the showerhead out of its latch and changed the setting to a softer, more vapory drizzle.

"What are you doing?" Eren gapped as she turned the faucet so that it was on the middle dial, between hot and cold. "I wanted it cold; it's too hot in here."

"You'll catch a cold if the water's chilly like it was."

"Cheh," Eren scoffed as he reached down to get the back scrubber.

"I'll do it," Mikasa said as she grabbed for the brush's handle.

"I can do it myself." Eren tightened his grip around the object of struggle.

Mikasa's eyes narrowed as she pulled.

Eren gritted his teeth as he pulled with more force.

Mikasa grunted as she pulled with more force than Eren's force.

Eren began to utter throaty growls as he pulled with more force than Mikasa's force, in effect doubling his original force.

The scrubber flew out of both of their wet hands and spiraled towards the bathroom's ceiling.

The two met eyes—who would get it first? They both leapt into the air simultaneously, arms extended.

In the end, Mikasa won the back scrubber and made sure that Eren received a proper hiding.

**Take 2: Eren and Hanji**

"I'm coming in!" squealed an enthusiastic howl, which was interrupted by a raucous splatter. The person had jumped in behind him at an alarming speed, resulting in water sloshing all over.

Eren sighed as the discharge sprayed onto the suds on his back. _She really is child-like, isn't she?_ Nonetheless, he respected the nutcase.

"Hanji-san, what exactly are you doing in here?"

"I wanted to, uh…" she pushed her fingers together, "how should I put it…?"

Eren continued with his cleansing as she put what she wanted to say into coherent thought, or put what coherent thought she had into cohesive words. Eren paused in scrubbing himself. A dark shadow was looming over him, and he glanced to his side to see Hanji's face smack in front of his.

"EEEEEEH!?" Hanji screeched over Eren's shoulder.

"W-what is it? What's wrong?" Eren asked loudly while covering his bleeding ears.

"You still have a penis," her sodden voice replied. Her hands clutched her face, as if it could all melt off from the overbearing muscle work emphasizing her happiness. A dribble of drool oozed down her wide-open mouth, and the corners twitched in excitement and anticipation at such a fascinating finding.

Eren's face went red as he covered his junk. "P-PLEASE, GO AWAY!"

**Take 3: Eren and Petra**

"What the hell is that fo-!" Eren's cry was cut off as he was blasted with a high-pressure water hose.

"GET OUT OF THE WOMEN'S SHOWER, YOU IDIOT!" Petra raged, with her hand on the hose's throttle as she continued to mercilessly pump Eren into the wall.

Petra is a kind woman, but even she has her limits.

**Take 4: Eren and Annie**

"Someone's in here…?" Eren muttered as steam hit his face upon entering the shower. It was late at night. He thought that no one would be occupying the stall… just his luck.

"I didn't think you'd have it in you to enter the women's washroom," a listless voice mused.

_That sounded like Annie. It couldn't be…._"What are you talking about? This is the men's."

Silence met him.

"You're kidding, right?"

"I don't have a sense of humor."

It was Annie. "Well I'm sorry for the intrusion, but I'm here for a shower." He liked showers. He took one once every two weeks.

"You really don't have a clue about the implications of coming in here, do you?" she sighed. He had yet more to learn. If Annie actually cared, his head would be crushed in a wall.

Eren looked around to see where Annie was standing, but the steam was still too thick. Come to think of it, it was rather hot. Really, really hot. He fingered his collar bone a bit, pulling at an invisible shirt to air out. _I like hot showers, but this is a little extreme_.

"Hey, I'm here for the same reason as you." What was her deal? Eren scavenged around for the sponge, but it was nearly impossible with the lack of visibility in the room. "By the way, have you seen the sponge? I can't seem to fine it."

"Here," was her monotonous reply.

"Thanks—" his sentence was hijacked by an unsuppressed gulp in his throat. His back was no longer bare; warmth was pressed up against it, symmetrically aligned with his spine, and it wasn't a puff of steam. Two round mounds sank into the wings of his back, and his shoulders rolled into their comfort as an automatic response.

"What do you think would happen to you," she rasped in his ear, "if others were also here?"

"How should I know?" he huffed as she leisurely hauled the sponge down his right breast bone. The scruffy edges scored his skin, leaving red trail marks to blister. The grazed skin hissed as steam seeped from the small mars. His regenerative abilities sealed his abrasion in a matter of seconds, he felt as if the pain was still there.

"You're not thinking.'' Her finger tips pressed into his abdomen with acute force; as they molded into the contours of his muscle, his stomach dropped and a zip of electricity railed down his spine. The tips slid further down, and her palm skimmed over the surface of where her fingers had been. And then she went on to say some of her usual nonsensical bullshit: "Use your strength and create the outcome you desire."

That line went over his head. What did she mean? Now? What kind of outcome did he want—well, his lower region answered that. But what she said wasn't about the shower. It was a generalization. Sounded like some kind of encouragement, too. His mind buzzed with thought, but too much of it accumulated and backfired. He couldn't think anymore. His brain was burnt out. It was too stuffy. He became aware of the heat again. It felt like a furnace, and the temperature rose, rose, rose, and rose. And Annie wasn't helping. At least her hands stopped exploring. But wait—what if they hadn't stopped? And she continued to blithely grope him with those cruel, calculating hands of hers that rolled and pressed and made his afflicted areas numb with pleasure? What if—

The hand without the sponge descended to his pelvis. Almost there, almost there… but he couldn't handle the overwhelming excitement building within his body.

"Wait a minute, Annie!" Eren pleaded. Annie released him from her embrace as he stepped a foot forward, causing himself to hydroplane across the wet tile's surface. He tried to stop himself, but doing so only worsened matters. With his failed attempt and nothing left to lose, he lurched forward and slammed his head into the flooring.

"OUCH!" Eren shouted indignantly. "What was that?" he cried in a gruff whine, rubbing his aching head. He looked up at the four bunks surrounding him; he was out of his bed, clumsily positioned on the floor, and all of his roommates were staring down at him with snickering faces. "What?"

"You fell outta bed," Jean chortled with a sneer.

"But before that, you had some nice morning wood. I thought your nob would've dropped being a titan and all, but I guess we were proven wrong," Reiner added, chin neatly rested in the palm of his hand. He could hardly hide his smug smile.

"Who was the girl, Eren?" Connie asked provocatively, leaning over the wooden railing of his top bunk with a teasing grin.

Eren blinked as he recalled—vividly—the predicament he was in with… Annie. He felt his temperature spike to uncharted levels as his embarrassment broiled. "Why the hell would you guys look at _THAT_ in the first place!?"

Jean, Reiner, and Connie all sat around and laughed heartily in unison as Eren pushed back his bed hair. "Geez…"

* * *

**A/N:** I can't believe I posted this non-descriptive mess. Man, I'm cracking myself up.

I'm clearly biased towards Eren and Annie.

I'm… so ashamed about this. Sorry, Eren (but you're so much fun to pick on because of how DENSE you are).

I hate the fucking spacing and it won't let me change it. Fuck.


End file.
